


I want you to know

by ColorfulStabwound



Series: The chronicles of Teddy and James [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Godric's Hollow, Harry Potter Next Generation, Hogwarts, Hurt, I want you to know, Love, M/M, Pain, Potter Family, Puddlemere United, Quidditch, Sex, breaking up, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 06:45:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3560027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorfulStabwound/pseuds/ColorfulStabwound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Teddy kisses you time ceases to exist all around you. You feel like a fly caught in a bowl of honey, drowning on the faint sweetness of English toffee that sticks to his tongue and the cool softness of his fingertips against your throat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Endless adoration to my friend and muse in all things Unkissed.
> 
> For Teddy, the only person Jamie could ever possibly love besides himself.

Hogwarts; 2022

“Are you sure you’re still going to want to do this when I’m not a student anymore?” You’re stretched out on your stomach across Teddy’s bed in his private quarters, chin propped up on an open palm.

Teddy is hovering by the bookshelf pretending to straighten things even though the books are all perfectly aligned. You watch him for a moment and you have to smile even though you want to frown.

“Are you seriously asking me that?” He turns his head just enough to fix you with a _look_ over his shoulder and your insides liquefy. When he drops his hands away from his books and turns around to properly face you, the shadows cast by flickering light shield his features in a way that resembles a mask that you find rather fitting for the moment.

“It’s a valid question.” You reply airily and shrug a shoulder, gaze still fixed on him. “You do seem to enjoy the thrill of our forbidden liaisons quite a bit.”

“Forbidden liaisons?” Teddy chuckles fondly and shakes his head as he crosses the small space towards the bed. When he sinks a knee into the mattress he gently nudges you over onto your back and partially covers your body with his own.  

“What? I know how much pretentious phrases turn you on.” You grin proudly up at him and slide an open palm beneath your head and you don’t miss the faint pink that mottles the bridge of his nose.

“Jamie?” He says quietly, hovering just out of reach.

“Yes?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

When Teddy kisses you time ceases to exist all around you. You feel like a fly caught in a bowl of honey, drowning on the faint sweetness of English toffee that sticks to his tongue and the cool softness of his fingertips against your throat. Even though you’ve been sneaking around together all year you will never get enough of him. He is like the most forbidden piece of fruit in the garden and you are positively aching for a bite.

It hadn’t always been like this. Not so long ago you were just a flippant little boy on the verge of adulthood who was nursing a massive case of unrequited love. You have loved Teddy for as long as you can remember and even though it took him an obscene amount of time to return that love, you are undeniably happy in ways that you never have been before in your life.

His kisses linger on your lips and leave you breathless and when you thread your fingers through his hair to keep him close, he obliges you without hesitation. Everywhere he touches you is methodical and drawn out, as if he is savoring every inch of you and this moment and committing it to his permanent memory. You are not stupid; you know exactly what Teddy is doing and you let him do it because this separation is going to be hell on you both.

When he slides his hands beneath your jumper his fingertips feel warm on your skin and you sigh softly and close your eyes. His mouth deposits a soft kiss at the base of your throat, which is the beginning of a reverent trail that crisscrosses your shoulders and chest. He hasn’t even gotten you fully undressed and you are already arching into his touch and burning up from your need for him. He knows you so well that he merely tuts gently under his breath and stills you with another lingering kiss.

Minutes melt into hours that you cannot acknowledge beneath his touch and you know that there will never be a moment when this is not everything that you could ever want and all that you will ever need.  When he works the fastenings on the front of your trousers an impatient whimper lodges in your throat and you bite down sharply on your bottom lip and let him have his way. His mouth is everywhere and nowhere all at once and by the time he gives you what you desperately want every nerve you possess is hyper-sensitive and pent up magic is crackling at your fingertips. When this moment passes you know that you will both be dumped into the harsh reality of what is really happening to you, but for now you can pretend that this is just another in an endless supply of time that the two of you have together.

Teddy has effectively ruined you for the rest of the world. This is a fact of life that you have accepted and have no intention of resisting. When he pushes himself inside of you it sends a series of glittering stars shooting across your vision and you savor the momentary pain even as it melts away into blinding pleasure. You think you have seen every side of him that there is too see and yet somehow he still manages to surprise you with his actions. He takes his time with you; every angled thrust of his sickly white hips against you send you teetering closer and closer to a black hole of nothingness that you have no control over. He watches you intently as you move together and although he is mere inches from you, somehow he feels a million miles away. “I love you.” He whispers in a way that sounds almost painful to your ears and it breaks your heart into a million pieces and you tell him that you love him too. He is working you to your breaking point and when he comes he buries himself so deeply inside of you that it forces your eyes to squeeze shut for just a moment before you disappear.

His skin is flushed and slick with sweat and he pants into your mouth and kisses you like it is the last time and when you part, your chest is hitching painfully and you cannot help but want to smooth away the pained expression that wrinkles his features above you.

“I’ll always be yours.” You tell him this quietly in the flickering candlelight, after you’ve caught your breath enough to form the words.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” He replies just as quietly and then he buries his face into the warm folds of your neck and you lie just like that for a long time because you don’t know what else there is left to say.

∞

The weather is uncommonly warm for Scotland this time of year. That is the general consensus of the crowd of spectators and distinguished guests who are all fanning themselves with makeshift paper fans as they filter onto the west grounds of the school.  When it is time you take a deep breath and lead the Gryffindor class of 2022 out of the front doors of the castle towards the waiting crowd. You guide your fellow classmates into their waiting seats before taking your own and when you glance up at the rows of chairs reserved for staff you find Teddy staring back at you with a steady mixture of sadness and pride and you exchange a smile.

The ceremony is as boring as a Quidditch match with Hufflepuffs and you are only half listening to the seemingly endless supply of meaningful speeches meant to empower the future of the wizarding world. Your gaze wanders here and there as you sit in your seat wishing it was over and done with and you spot your parents in the front row of the crowd. Your father looks solemn and mildly uncomfortable, which you attribute to too many bad memories associated with Hogwarts. Your mother is clutching a handkerchief and looks on the verge of tears, which makes you smile. Your parents have always encouraged you to follow your own dreams and have supported your decisions, which makes leaving them for Dorset just a little bit harder. In the crowd of students you easily pick out your sister who isn’t really paying attention as much as she is whispering excitedly with Catie Finnigan seated beside her. Albus is easy enough to spot amongst the sea of his fellow Slytherins, you only have to find the blondest head and look to his left. For all of their annoyances you are going to miss your siblings when you go, although there is only one person you are going to miss so desperately that it will slowly eat away at your insides.

When you turn your attention back to the staff seating area Teddy isn’t looking at you and you take the opportunity to watch him, unheeded. He looks tired and much older than his twenty-four years and you wonder if teaching at Hogwarts is going to continue to prematurely age him after you’ve gone. He is listening to the Headmaster address the crowd and you cannot help but smile fondly at the look of respect and mild awe that he wears. You would never try and change Teddy for who he is; you love every single part of him, even the nerdy old man bits who think Headmaster Olgilvie shits sunshine out his arse.  

Your certificate of completion doesn’t feel as impressive in your hands as you thought it would and after the ceremony is finished you find yourself standing in a sea of students, parents, and professors who are all smiling and laughing with a happiness that somehow feels foreign to you. Teddy is making his way towards you through the crowd, you can see his turquoise head weaving a delicate path between countless other heads that are all standing in the way and you cannot help but quietly wonder if this is what the rest of your life will feel like—A million nameless faces all obscuring you and your god brother from one another.

Your parents find you in the commotion and your mother stifles a happy sob as she throws her arms around you and whispers how proud she is of you in your ear. “Keep it together mum, I’m joining a Quiddtich team not dying.” You fix her with an obnoxious grin that earns you a watery laugh and a playful swat on the head and you hug her again because maybe you are feeling a bit more jovial than you let on. Your father is looking like he would like to disappear entirely and you feel marginally bad for him before your attention is split by the new arrivals to your little group.  Albus turns up with Scorpius Malfoy and makes some joke about finally having the school to himself and you can only snort and laugh before Lily bounds up with an excited squeal and hugs you hard around the middle. Teddy watches all of this from his place beside your dad and when your eyes meet, everyone else momentarily disappears.

“Congratulations, Jamie.” He says with a smile, and although he _looks_ happy enough, you know him well enough to see the subtle hints of worry and sadness that linger just below his surface.

“You guys are gonna miss me **so** much.” You say to them all, and then your smile falters just a little bit because maybe you are going to miss them too.

∞

****  
  


Later, after your trunks are packed and you’ve said your goodbyes to the castle you’ve intermittently called home for the last seven years, you board the Hogwart’s Express for the very last time. The buzz of excitement on the train is impossible not to get caught up in and so you push aside all of your mixed feelings about leaving and beginning your life and you join your friends in a compartment one last time.  Sebastian is spouting on and on about how excited he is to _finally_ be leaving home. His father has been grooming him to be the next great Quidditch star since he was born and now that you were both leaving for Dorset to join Mr. Wood’s alma mater he was practically beside himself. Of course, your decision to join Puddlemere United wasn’t swayed by Oliver Wood, but you cannot deny that they are one of the best teams out there and you are eager to earn yourself a permanent spot on the roster instead of just the reserve list.

“What do you suppose there is to do in Dorset anyways?” You say this to your best mate while wearing a knowing grin that makes his brow quirk and his headshake firmly because he is _definitely_ his father’s son.

“I know that look Jamie, and let me just put it out of your head right this instant. We are going to work our arses off and get on that starting lineup by spring even if it kills us. There wont be time for anything else.” Sebastian is staring straight at you and looking far too serious for a teenage boy who’s just graduated and is about to be dumped into unsupervised adulthood, which makes you laugh.

****  
  


“We can’t play _all_ the time.” You reply with a casual shrug, glancing at the passing scenery out the window before turning your attention back to him. “Besides, I hear Dorset is a pub town.” Sebastian groans outwardly and bangs the back of his head against the wall of the compartment, which amuses you greatly.

“You’re going to get me in so much trouble.” He mutters under his breath and then you both laugh because there is really no denying it at all.

The remainder of the trip is spent chatting with your mates about the future and also the past seven years you’ve spent together and by the time the train pulls into King’s Cross, you are buzzing with excitement. You’ve spent so much time worrying about what this separation was going to do to your relationship with Teddy that you hadn’t taken a moment to be truly happy about your own future. It is in a moment of spontaneous mischief that you and Sebastian scrawl your names into the paneled walls of your compartment with a permanent sticking charm, and when you stand back to admire your crude handiwork you can only laugh smugly with your best mate.

“Now all future generations of Hogwarts students will know our names.” You nudge Sebastian playfully in the side as you say this and when he drags you out of the train before you are caught vandalizing it, for just a moment you are two eleven year old boys starting a new adventure all over again.

“You know, I don’t think that’s going to be an issue, especially for you.” Sebastian spots his parents waiting for him as you step onto the platform and he pauses only long enough to nudge you back before he is heading in their direction. “See you soon.” He calls over his shoulder and when he waves, you realize with glaring clarity that this is the end of an era.

**James Sirius Potter was here.**

∞

Your entire family is waiting for you back at your parents’ home when you get there and you don’t even have a moment to breathe before the celebrations pick up again. The Weasley-Potter clan is obscenely large and obnoxiously loud and later you will be thankful for the never-ending supply of distractions that are readily available.  Your grandfather corners you in the hallway to whisper excitedly about some new muggle device he’s been tinkering with and although you find his quirky obsession with muggles a bit strange, you smile and nod because he is one of the few people that you would never intentionally insult.  When you spot your uncle Ron casting dubious glances at Scorpius from the corner of the sitting room you laugh out loud and duck just out of your gran’s reach before she starts fussing over your hair. “Something the matter uncle Ron?” You ask innocently enough as you drop down on the sofa beside him, and when he blinks and quickly looks away from Albus and Scorpius you laugh again.  Aunt Hermione gives him a look from across the room and he clears his throat and assures you that he is perfectly fine; although you don’t miss the way his eyes travel back to Malfoy every so often. Later, when your Uncle George makes a drunken toast in your honor, you laugh along with the rest of your family and you realize that there is nowhere else that you would rather be.

It is much later still when you step outside for a moment alone under the guise of needing some air. The moon is hanging lazily in the sky surrounded by a scattering of stars that all glint brightly in the sky like they have something to say about you. You take a deep breath and shut your eyes and let the earthy scents of the English country fill you up. The smell of the marsh always reminds of you of late-night games of hide and find with Teddy and although that time in your life was hell on you, somehow you long to return the simplicity of it because maybe you weren’t quite ready to be a grown up yet.

“Want some company?” His voice at your side makes you grin and you open your eyes and cast a sidelong glance at him.  

He looks flawless standing beside you bathed in moonlight and there is nothing you would rather do right now than drag him into the shadows and kiss him, but somehow you know that his presence isn’t about stolen snogs hidden beneath the protection of nightfall.  Teddy has always been painfully easy for you to read, partly because he wears his emotions on the outside for everyone to see, but also because you know him better than anyone else. Over the years you have turned the act of watching Teddy Lupin into an art form and no one is as good at it as you are.

Again you have the desire to smooth the delicate lines of worry from his features and kiss away all of his sadness because it hurts you to see him like this, and you can’t help but wonder if this is how it will be for the rest of your lives; you worrying about Teddy and Teddy worrying about the entire world. You turn to face him and rest a hand on his arm out of view of the house and catch his gaze. “Teddy, look…” The words barely leave your mouth before he is shaking his head and stiffening beneath your touch and you pause because you are confused.

“Jamie wait, I have something to say and I think I need to say it before I lose the courage, so just let me talk for a minute, okay?” His voice chills you from the inside out and you feel that old familiar twitch of dread as it starts to coil up inside of you. Teddy is wearing guilt and remorse like a three piece suit and you know that look so well that it effectively silences you so you just nod and close your eyes and hope that he isn’t about to break your heart again.

“I know that you are about to start the next chapter of your life, and I would never try to stop you from chasing your dreams. What we have is special and I will always cherish the time we had together, but I am not foolish enough to think that this will work moving forward and I’m not selfish enough to ask you to do that.”

Every word that leaves Teddy’s mouth is like a dagger to your chest. You don’t know how this could have happened because you had _thought_ that you had finally gotten past this side of your god brother. You had believed that Teddy had let his guilt and remorse go when he admitted his love for you but now here you were, right back to the start all over again.  You are not stupid or naïve, you are well aware of how mortified Teddy would be if your family found out about the two of you, but this wasn’t about that. This was worse.

You wanted to smack him in his stupid, perfect, sad face for being so daft but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.  You didn’t understand why he was doing this now, after all of the barriers that the two of you had overcome the past year. This step in the wrong direction killed you inside and you didn’t know how to deal with that anymore and so you found yourself getting angry instead.

“So you’re just going to let me go? Just like that?” Your voice shook slightly as you spoke but you ignored it because this was the most important question you would ever ask him and you were dreading his answer more than he would ever know.

Teddy’s eyes widened as he looked at you, clearly unsure of what to say. You would never know that he wanted desperately to say _fuck it_ and beg you not to go. You would never hear all of the things that he _wanted_ to say to you because Teddy Lupin doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body and he cannot bring himself to tell you what he _really_ feels.  “It’s for the best.” Is what he decides on in the end and when the light behind your eyes dims slightly he instantly wants to take it back.

The finality of the moment is like a punch in the gut and you fight back a pained gasp because unlike Teddy, you are the king of saving face and masking true emotions.  It takes you several moments before you say anything at all, and when you drop your hand away from his arm the cold chill that follows is like a glaring reminder of what is still to come.  You had been prepared to give it all to Teddy if he only had asked, and although you are hardly surprised by this sick turn of events, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Just once you want to know what it feels like to live for love that isn’t weighted with shame or secrecy and perhaps you had been foolish to think Teddy could be the one to give that to you.  “Fine.” The single word is ground out from between grit teeth with a whole lot of effort and when he flinches from the finality of it you feel faintly smug because maybe you want him to hurt too. It doesn’t matter that you know he is full of shit and probably internally beating himself up about the entire thing. Maybe you cannot change Teddy, but it doesn’t excuse him from the fight.

“Goodbye Teddy.”

It is the last thing you will say to him for a long time and as days bleed into months you are still waiting for it to stop hurting.

∞

 


	2. Part 2

Dorset hits you like a ton of bricks and the culture shock is enough to distract you, at least during the daylight hours.  Practice is grueling and you find yourself oddly thankful that you have joined up with Puddlemere U. The regimen is strict and the hours are long and when you are not running formations in the air and taking shouted directions from captains, you are dropping down onto the mattress in your dorm room and drowning in sleep that is riddled with dreams of blue hair and a smile that burns your fingertips. Teddy quickly becomes your best worst nightmare and you are powerless to the fight. You spend what little free time you have trying to picture yourself without him and yet you can’t, no matter how hard you might try.  

Three months pass you by in the blink of an eye and in that time you have effectively shed the last remnants of boyhood that had been clinging to you. When you are not pushing yourself at Quidditch practice you are testing your limits out in the real world. When you had mentioned to Sebastian on the train that Dorset was a pub town you had no idea how much of understatement that was. The small town was barren of any of the real excitement of the outside world and in its place the golden mile of pub-crawling had been erected. If you had to wager a guess you would say that Dorset had taken the very best aspects of living and wedged them all in the sleepy coastal township.

  
Because honestly, what else did one need beyond Quidditch and drinking?

In the span of three short months you have worked your way through just about every single drinking establishment that Dorset had to offer with Sebastian and the rest of your teammates at your side. It was easy to slip into this version of yourself; the popular charismatic Jamie that everyone either wanted or simply wanted to be around—Sometimes both. When you left Godric’s Hollow you had bitterly decided that you would **not** pine away for Teddy Lupin like you were a lovesick child anymore. If Teddy didn’t have it in him to fight for what he wanted then you saw no reason to behave yourself, and so you didn’t.

The first time you fell into bed with someone new wasn’t nearly as difficult as you’d thought it would be, and after that it became increasingly easier to push your thoughts of Teddy deep into your subconscious where they rightfully belonged.

It was after a particularly raucous evening at the aptly titled ‘The Famous Cock’ when a scandalous article accompanied by a grainy moving photograph appeared in The Daily Prophet. It was speculated that James Potter Jr., media favorite and notorious troublemaker was making quite a reputation for himself in Dorset. Of course there was an amusing comparison to you and your establishment of choice captioning the photograph, which depicted you and several of your teammates sharing pints and silent laughter while a random stranger clung to you like an extra appendage.  You shrugged off the story like you did everything else in your life because _nothing_ got to James Potter; at least not that the tabloids or the rest of the world for that matter, could see. Some part of you knew that the story would reach Teddy and more than likely hurt him, although perhaps that had been the entire point.

The week following the story is a blur. Your coaches keep you worked to the point of near exhaustion and you hardly have the time for eating and sleeping, much less worrying about Teddy and the rest of your family. Tryouts for winter lineup are just around the corner and you are determined to get off the reserve roster and onto the starting team and so you throw yourself into your practice and tell yourself that is the only reason. Your life becomes a shell of the one you used to know and you are too tired to care much about it.  It is a Sunday night during a weekly fire call with your mum when she asks you how you are doing and you honestly have to take a minute to think about the question because you really don’t know the answer. You stare at her green-blue head in the flames and you try not to frown because you don’t want her to worry, and somehow you manage a smile instead. You tell her that you are fine and when she raises a doubtful brow you can relate because you don’t believe it either.

In the darkness you find it impossible not to think about Teddy. Every night it is always the same thing. You lie atop the bed in your cramped dorm room and you try to imagine where he is or what he’s doing. You wonder if he thinks about you at all or if he misses you. You haven’t spoken to him or heard from him since that night when it all went to hell and although you are still angry with him, you are not foolish enough to believe that you would not trade it all to hear his voice or feel his hands on you just one more time. When you cannot take the solitude any longer you scramble out of bed and drag Sebastian and a few other teammates out to one pub or another. When you are the center of attention it is a hell of a lot easier not to think about Teddy, and the lubrication that a couple of pints provide make going home with someone else just pleasurable enough that it mutes out the pain of your reality.  

By the time winter holiday is upon you, you are not sure if you are happy or sad to be going home. Despite your unswerving need to be out on your own you find yourself homesick and it terrifies you because you are not sure how you are going to hold it together when you see him again.  

Godric’s Hollow smells like it always does and when you pause at the front gate your eyes shutter for a just a moment and you tell yourself that you can do this. Time is a funny thing and you find that you are more than a little amused at how easy it is to dial it back when you are surrounded by your family. Your mum hugs you tight around the neck when you come inside and sits you down on the sofa because she is _dying_ to hear all about the team and how tryouts for starting lineup went for you. She has always been your biggest supporter and the way she looks at you as you regale her with team stories makes you feel like the most important person in the world. Sometimes you can’t help but wonder if she is living vicariously through your foray into the world of professional Quidditch. You are more than aware that it was you that cut her own career short and although you know that it is not by fault of your own, you indulge her because you love to see her smile just like that.  

It’s late in the afternoon when your dad returns from King’s Cross with Lily and Albus, who are spouting off nonstop about school and courses and friends and when Teddy comes up you freeze just below the surface.  “He wears that stupid hat all time. Catie thinks he’s prematurely balding underneath there, but I told her she was crazy. Teddy, sorry, _Professor Lupin_ told us we were going to start the Owl to opera glasses exercise when we return from holiday, isn’t that great?” Lily is practically bouncing beside you and you are thankful that she is too excited to notice the way your muscles tense every time she says his name. Albus barely waves hello and yet manages a disparaging comment in your direction before bounding off for his bedroom; undoubtedly to owl _his_ missing appendage that went home to Malfoy manor.

After a careful minute you avert your gaze to the fireplace and hope you sound casual when you make a comment about Teddy finally hitting his stride at Hogwarts. Lily rolls her eyes and shakes her head and flops back dramatically on the sofa. “I don’t want to talk about Teddy, tell me what you’ve been up to in Dorset. Met anyone yet? Girlfriend? Boyfriend?” Lily has a mischievous grin plastered on her face that makes you proud to call her your sister and you scoff and dismiss her prodding questions with a wave of your hand.  “Wouldn’t you like to know.” You reply smoothly, which earns you another dramatic eye roll.

“Kind of the point of asking Jamie, gosh Quidditch has really dumbed you down, hasn’t it? Too many bludgers to the head I guess.” You open your mouth to retort, but before the conversation can go any farther you are saved by your mum, who suggests Lily get upstairs and put her things away before dinner.

Teddy is absent from the table that first night, which you suppose, isn’t that out of the ordinary, even if you had been secretly hoping he would turn up. From what you’d gleaned from the ramblings of your siblings you know that he hadn’t stayed behind at the school and was probably back at his gran’s by now and although you would like nothing more than to head over there right this instant, you hold back and you tell yourself it is for the best.

Dinner with your family is exactly like you remember it and it only takes this one night to remind you why you love them as much as you do, even if you rarely show it on the outside.  Later, you will sit by yourself in a swing behind your house that you are rather fond of and think about your life. You will contemplate your actions and the reasons behind them and you will wonder where you should go next and you will realize that it is not you who can answer these questions for you. When your family is asleep you will leave Godric’s Hollow and go to Teddy and when you are standing outside his gran’s house tapping on the window, you will be frozen inside out from more than just the elements that surround you.

When Teddy’s head appears on the other side of the window your words die in your throat. He looks puffy eyed and sleep mussed and absolutely perfect in every way and your heart sags beneath the weight of the love that you still harbor for him. He rubs at his eyes with bent knuckles as you stare at one another and you do not miss the resigned sigh that emanates from him as he opens the window to you.

“Jamie it’s late, what are you doing here?” He sounds hesitant and unsure and he does not invite you in, which you kindly ignore.

“You didn’t come to dinner and I wanted to see you.” Your explanation is as blunt as ever and when the corners of his mouth twitch with a suppressed smile, you cannot help but grin at him.

“Well you’ve seen me, now you should get home.” He averts his gaze when he says words that he does not mean and although his attempt at brushing you off should annoy you, it only solidifies the way you feel about him.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Your fingertips curl around the window frame as you speak and you ignore the numbness that is setting in and you wait because you know that Teddy will give in. He always does.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He says as he attempts to mentally remind himself of all the reasons why he is in this situation in the first place.

“You think too much.” Is your simple response, and then you wait for it.

Teddy lets out another small sigh and a handful of minutes slip past before he lets you in. By the time you are in his room with him he has given up any hope of resisting you because he knows it is pointless. He loves you so much that it hurts and although the last few months have been hell on him, he greedily takes what you give because maybe sometimes Teddy Lupin is selfish too.

The night you spend together in that tiny room at his gran’s house bring every dormant emotion you have about him rushing back to the surface. Every time he touches you, you die a little bit more because you know that no one’s touch will ever compare to Teddy’s.  When he kisses you the world around you ceases to exist beyond the two of you. Time stops and your insides twist with a love that you know you will never get out of your system. It is easy to forget the pain of what is past when the present is so fucking brilliant and by the time the sun is peeking up behind the horizon you have successfully reacquainted yourselves with one another in every way possible.

Christmas is better than you ever thought it could be and you spend every second you are home from Dorset basking in Teddy’s love.  

****  
  


The day after holiday is your birthday and it has been your tradition to spend it with Teddy for as long as you can remember. This year he takes your hand and leads you out into the marsh. He spreads out a blanket beneath the English oak that signifies so many things in the intertwining circuits of both of your lives and he tugs you down beside him. When you glance up at the branches above you he laughs softly because he remembers it too.  

“I’ll always find you, you know.” You say this matter o’factly as you turn towards the sound of his smile and arch a brow, daring him to object.

The happiness he wears openly falters for just a moment and he chews thoughtfully on his bottom lip, torn between what he _should_ say and what he _wants_ to say.

He settles on “That’s what I’m afraid of.” And it hits you hard in the chest like a bludger and leaves you reeling.

“What are you scared of?” You ask, abandoning your seat and crawling right into his lap. You don’t care that it’s still partially daylight and any member of your family could easily stumble upon this scene if they wanted to. Nothing mattered to you but Teddy and this moment.

“You already know the answer to that, James.” His voice cracks when he says your name and you frown petulantly because he still doesn’t get it.

“I’m not afraid and you shouldn’t be either.” Your fingers thread through blue hair that slowly fades to a soft pink beneath your touch. You want him to know that your words are not merely words. You are two sides of the same coin and you would give it all to him if he only asked. He owns every part of you and sometimes you cannot help but wonder if he is even aware of the power he wields. When you kiss him it is tainted with sadness and regret and everything else that remains unspoken and you kiss him harder because you are determined to erase it until there is nothing but love left.

The hours that you spend in his arms beneath that tree are weightless and unconditional. Eventually he has no choice but to give up the façade that he is so desperately clinging to and when he loves you with a force like that, even for those fleeting few moments, it makes everything worth it.

By the time you are heading back to Dorset Teddy has once again transformed into that version of himself that you can hardly bear to look at; the Teddy that tells you that he loves you but this will never work.  He wears shame and regret like his armor and you are not equipped with the tools it would require to crack it.  “Go live your life and be happy.” He says to you before you go and it breaks your heart into so many pieces that you are certain you will never be able to find them all.

You will never know that his words hurt him just as badly as they do you. You will never see the way his hair fades from pink to sickly green or the way his head hangs with the weight of what he’d just done; again. You will return to your tiny dorm room in Dorset just as angry and broken as you had the last time and Teddy will do his best to not think about you as he trudges through life at Hogwarts and tells himself that long distance relationships do not work.

When you receive the news that you have successfully earned your spot on the starting line up for Puddlemere United the happiness of the moment will be tainted with the bitter taste that still lingers on the back of your tongue from Teddy’s kisses. Your teammates will drag you out for drinks and you will feel so numb on the inside that you practically jump at the distraction that comes in the form of a handsome blond journalist who wants more than just a story.

You are more than just a story.

∞

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Paradox of Time](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4341440) by [unkissed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/unkissed/pseuds/unkissed)




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